She knows.

When I was first considering whether or not to make the leap into porn, I had a lot of weighty questions to consider: Having worked in the industry, would I ever be able to find love? How would this affect my day job? What would my friends think? And… what would my MOTHER think?

I’m the only child of a single parent, so my mom and I have always been close. I’ve been out to her since I was 25, and she’s met (and loves) Dirk; we even spent last Christmas with her. I’m her “angel-lamb,” as she says. She turns 73 next month. I thought a lot about whether or not I would tell her, and finally decided that I would wait until I was retired from the industry. I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon so I don’t know when that’ll be, but because I figured that she would likely be concerned for my physical and emotional health and well-being (not knowing just how awesome this whole experience has been for me, and how safe Titan’s practices are), I decided there was no need to worry her by telling her while I was still performing. Nevertheless, I wondered what would happen if she was to discover — before I was ready to tell her — that her angel-lamb is now a rather successful gay porn star?

Well, a couple of months ago… she did find out.

My first clue was about a month ago, shortly after I’d flown to San Francisco to film scenes with Anthony London and Casey Williams. (Those scenes haven’t been released yet, but the one with Casey should be out just before Christmas.) I’d just gotten back from SF and my mom and I were having lunch; she lives just outside Boston, and we get together for a meal every couple of weeks. During the course of conversation, she asked how my trip to San Francisco had been. “Oh, it was fine,” I said… but I couldn’t remember ever telling her that I was going. How did she know?

Flash forward to last week. My mom lives halfway between my house and my doctor’s office. I had just left the doctor after a routine check-up; I was pretty sleepy and decided to stop off at her house to take a nap. She wasn’t home. After a good snooze in my old bed I was about to leave for the gym when I remembered that I had to pay a bill online, so I went into the study and opened up her laptop… and there it was. The browser was open to JesseJackman.xxx … the very blog you’re reading now.

It’s difficult to describe how I felt in that moment. It’s like my whole body sort of compressed. I felt like I was falling, and I felt an intense pressure in my head. If she’d seen the blog, she knew everything. Again, I found myself asking “How did she find out?” My mom’s an incredibly smart and very thorough person… and she surely hadn’t stopped with the blog. She’d likely found the Facebook page. She’d probably found her way to the Titan website and seen my profile there. Maybe she’d found my Mancast page. And… GULP… she might have even watched the videos. I felt exposed… like the walls had crumbled and I was left standing there, alone and naked in the oak-floored study of my childhood home.

But then I got to thinking… if she really had been thorough, which I knew she would be, she’d probably read the whole blog. And the blog, of course, is not just about porn. It’s about me. There’s a reason why I like to say “In Porno Veritas.” I pour my heart into this thing, and what you see is real; everything you read here is completely, utterly, and sometimes painfully honest. I’ve discovered writing as a means of personal expression, and as I’ve written many times, porn has changed my life for the better. I’m happier now than I have ever been. I love making porn and have discovered (to my surprise) that I’m actually pretty good at it. I feel excited and empowered. And… most importantly of all… I’ve found the man of my dreams. With everything I’ve written, she’d be sure to see past the idea of “filthy gay pornography” or even “prostitution” (which I was afraid would be how she’d see it) and realize that this has all been a positive experience — scratch that — a remarkable, life-changing adventure.

Wouldn’t she?

I was scared, but I knew I had to talk to her. I immediately called Dirk (who was visiting friends in LA) and asked if he could to fly out to Boston when his visit was over; I don’t ask for stuff like that from him very often, but this was important to me. I really wanted him to be here for support. He changed his flight that instant. (Man oh man, do I love my man.) My mom needed help moving some furniture, and I volunteered our services. She’d offered to make us dinner afterwards. The date, October 3, was set.

That’s right… what you are about to read all happened yesterday.

All day yesterday I was a wreck. I could hardly focus on my work, and all during my workout I was distracted and unfocused. Dirk and I went over to my mom’s house at 8 pm and sat down to dinner. Pork loin, edamame, sweet potato soup. Delicious, in a way that only a mother’s cooking can be. When we were finished, I looked at Dirk, he nodded, and then, feeling a bit sick to my stomach, I started in. “Mom, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I stopped by after my doctor’s appointment last week and needed to use your computer, and when I opened up the browser it was open to….”

“Your blog.”

GULP.

And the next words out her mouth were, “I’m SO happy we’re talking about this.”

It turns out she’d found out a few months ago. Our bank accounts are linked so that we can achieve Premier status at Bank of America (we can each get better rates that way). She happened to notice a check deposit from “Titan Media” and wondered what it was, so she googled it… which led her to the Titan homepage. And there I was. Getting “tortured,” as she put it, by Dirk. Yup, the first thing she saw on the Titan welcome page was the preview for Loud and Nasty. She said that she felt like a piece of her had died. Oh shit, I thought. Of all the things for her to see first.

Dirk and I couldn’t help but laugh, though. Granted, it looks for all the world like I’m being tortured; I was restrained, after all, and being shocked in some very sensitive places and doing a lot of screaming. But what Dirk and I explained to her was that I was also having a tremendous amount of fun. In fact, this behind-the-scenes video pretty much sums up my whole experience:

Yeah, violet wands can be a bit painful, but the reality is that they only serve to heighten sensitivity; furthermore, the experience was exciting and consensual and uninhibited and a just a whole lot of fun. But here was the kicker:

This is my living room. The poster has been hanging there since July; Dirk got it for me for my birthday. My mom has seen it tons of times, and thinks it’s amazing and sweet. I’d previously told her that it was from a photo shoot that Dirk and I had once done, but when I revealed to her that it was actually an image taken from Loud and Nasty — the very same scene in which I had been “tortured” — she got it. She understood everything.

I didn’t ask her what other videos she’d seen. I did, however, ask her if she’d read the whole blog, especially the parts about me and Dirk. She had, but what had really moved her was something that I wouldn’t have expected to have any impact. It was a response to a comment that an 18-year-old straight man named David had made on my “Bend in the Rod” post; he was nervous about having sex for the first time with his girlfriend. He was worried that she’d be turned off, or even scared off, by the shape of his penis, which happens to look a lot like mine. (You can read the entire post here… scroll down to find David’s comment.) My mom felt that my response — which was basically “you’ll be fine; listen to her, and if something’s not working for you or for her, try something else; be safe and have fun” — was really wonderful. I was just trying to be helpful, but my mom saw it as touching and heartfelt. She seemed proud.

On the whole, my experience telling my mom was a really positive one. It felt like coming out for the second time, and once again my mom proved to be supportive, understanding, and basically just wonderful. She’s seen how happy I’ve been over the last year and realizes that porn has a lot to do with that… and because I’m happy, she’s happy. She did express some concern, as I thought she might, for my health (I explained to her the aforementioned Titan safe sex policy), and she confessed to having some difficulty understanding how I could be so public about something as intimate and private as my sex life (I explained to her that porn is rather different from intimacy, and that I’m still able to maintain a personal and meaningful sex life outside of the industry).

One moment stands out above the rest, though. We had been talking about what parts of my blog she’d read, and all of the sudden she lit up with a big smile, looked at Dirk, and said, “OH! I voted for you, by the way!” How awesome is that?

I love you, Mom. Thanks for being so amazing.